The Truth

As far as I can tell, I've pretty much completely kept any mention of my current mental state off Facebook altogether (this is expanding upon a status I wrote about punching people who demand positive statuses in the face) - I don't figure anyone cares overmuch about how I am feeling, so I don't see the point in writing about how I am, once again, so depressed I can barely go to class let alone take care of myself or my home or give my boyfriend the love he deserves. Especially since I feel this way every day, and writing about it on Facebook is going to get redundant and boring very fast (especially if I mentioned it as often as I feel this way), and also will serve to prove that no one cares if I am depressed or not. Anytime I have posted a status in the last three years that wasn’t full of happy and awesome, no one said anything to me about it, online or in real life. Even when that status was obviously a plea for someone to help me, no one said anything.

Basically, I don’t see the fucking point in telling people that I am depressed. I might whine about how I am not having a good day, but I don’t need to detail how depression is not feeling sad so much as it is the inability to give a shit. I want to clean the kitchen right now, but I look at the kitchen and I just feel so tired, and then I feel guilty because I’m a horrible person. I know exactly how Allie Brosh feels when she says she’s hit by a “wave of apathy” and unable to continue. 

I have good days and bad days.  I have days where I don't feel like I am depressed at all.  I also have days where I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to have conversations with people, and struggle to behave normally because I want so desperately for Matt to be happy.  I wish I could explain it as elegantly as Allie does, but my ability to write is broken due to my inability to think about anything.

Depression isn't something where you just feel sad.  It's this white expanse of nothing, and the only emotions you can really feel are despair and apathy.  Or in my case, melancholy, apathy, and rage.  Those are my three primary modes right now.  I do a good perky, though, so it appears like I'm happy a lot more often than I am (though science makes me feel genuinely happy - the feeling just doesn't stay very long, so going to class is kind of like getting high), so I'm sure people who don't know me well can't tell the difference between me being a happy person and me acting the part of a happy person.  It's so much easier to go through life without eliciting the concern of others.  I don't want to be a bother and I don't want to make people fear for me, because knowing I've caused someone else that kind of discomfort just kills me.

That worry about being an inconvenience to someone else is probably why I haven't sought help yet, aside from the issues from when I was a teenager (my mother used to abuse the mental health system to get a break from me - she'd have me locked up in a mental hospital for as long as the insurance would cover me, and they'd medicate me to the hilt and turn me into a zombie when if anyone had looked properly, they could have seen the cause of most of my mental health issues, but I'm not bitter or anything).  I am afraid of losing control of the situation and being forced to stay in a mental hospital and being forced to take medication I don't want, and I'm afraid of bothering other people because it's so ingrained in me that I am here to serve others.

I am so messed up.

I probably should get over worrying about bothering others soon, because I'm pretty sure I'm getting past the point where I can manage on my own.  I'm afraid of what I might do to myself if I continue on, and I don't want to hurt Matt.  I want to be with Matt until I'm really, really old and dead.  I don't want to hit that edge and be unable to do anything to stop myself.  I don't really want counseling, but I also am repulsed by the concept of being medicated - I remember how I felt when I was heavily medicated as a teenager, and I really don't want to feel that way again.  Plus, the meds made me fat, and I never lost any of that weight.

This sounds terrible, but right now I am living for Matt because I can't live for me, and that's all that is keeping me going today - the desire to see him and to make him smile.  This morning, when we were talking about this situation a little bit, he told me that I am the biggest and most important thing in his life right now.  I don't think anyone has ever loved me as much as he does, and I am unable to put into words how that makes me feel.  It frightens me, because I don't want to be handed that kind of power.  I don't know what to do with it, and I love him so much more than I can put into words, but I've never been loved the way he loves me and I feel like it's not meant for me.  He deserves so much better than me.  He deserves to be with someone who is not broken.

If I can just find the motivation to get the laundry put away, that will be something.  I managed to separate it earlier, so that's pretty good.  If I can get half of it put away before Matt gets home, that would be good.  I'm hoping that once I get momentum, I can get it all put away at once.  

Existing is exhausting.

Earth Science and Exhaustion

It has been awhile since I last wrote anything. This would be because between moving insanity, deciding to enroll in the summer semester, choosing a major, and putting in notice at Walmart, I haven’t really had time to devote to writing in my blog. I need to get back into writing more often, however, as I have to write speeches this fall for Public Speaking, and because I will be taking a creative writing class in the spring. I need to get my creative juices flowing so my crazy ass can write and learn all of the science at the same time.

Basically, everything is happening right now. I’m currently taking Intro to Earth Science. This is a 5 credit hour class. (Four hours for the lecture and one for the lab.) The summer version of this class is 5 weeks long. This is incredibly intense. My poor brain. Two days into this class, I decided I would in fact be choosing Earth Science as my major, which I have now done. I’m still deciding if I want to continue having it be a Bachelor of Arts or if I want to switch it to Bachelor of Science – I don’t particularly want to take ten hours of foreign language.

Today, I stayed after to ask my professor some questions about what I need to do to prepare for the Meteorology class I’m taking this fall since we’re going to zip right through the atmospheric science section in the intro class (primarily due to the extremely compressed nature of this class – we’re covering a chapter per day, on average, sometimes two), and she gave me some advice regarding that: scour the chapters in the book I already have, try to get the book for the Meteorology class as early as possible and read through it, that kind of thing. She also talked to me about some of the stuff that I need to worry about for the test I’m taking tomorrow morning (we have a test every Friday for the lecture and a test every Tuesday for the lab), particularly the geologic time scale because I’m a little fuzzy on that and that’s mostly what the test is over. Then she told me that I’m doing fine in the class (I feel like I’m not retaining this information well at all because I’m making more mistakes than I would like to be – I’m not used to making several mistakes on assignments), and that I actually have the highest grade in the class. I’m just floored by that, because I was completely convinced that I am not doing well at all, but apparently I’m doing amazing. She also said that I have definitely picked the right major, and that I’m doing very well in the accelerated version of this class, and that while she wouldn't recommend most majors to take this class in the summer (it’s a prerequisite for everything else), I am handling it very well because I’m so intelligent, and it shouldn't be a problem when I’m taking other classes related to my major.

I leave class giddy every day (or annoyed that I don’t understand topographic maps very well), and I just love all of this stuff. I’d probably love it more if I wasn't so tired, though. I’m working on fixing that, though, as I put in notice at Walmart (it’s just killing me to keep working there, and I feel like I’m doing something totally insane by quitting my job, but I can feel my joints breaking down and it’s killing time I could be spending doing homework or going to bed at a decent hour)… I have three shifts to go – tomorrow, Saturday, and next Wednesday, and then I’m done. I’m not saying more because I don’t really want to burn bridges in case I crash and burn and fail out of college (I’m basically becoming Hermione – my boggart would totally be a professor telling me I've failed everything), because then I’ll need a job.

Many people have asked me how I’m planning on supporting myself – I have financial aid and the best, most supportive boyfriend in the world. This summer is going to be kind of sucky, but I think we’ll be okay. At some point, I need to find the time to redo the budget I made a couple of weeks ago because it ended up not working on a pretty grand scale. It was great in theory, but lacked a gas for the car budget and would work better if we only had one bank account. So it’s a great individual budget and a horrible two person, two account budget. Plus, I’m not very organized.

We've been doing pretty well around the house – I've managed to totally avoid having to use the garbage disposal here because Matt is always the person who runs it. He’s such a good guy. I need to clean really bad because everything is so cluttered right now – we don’t know where to put everything. We lost my umbrella for a month because I forgot Heather put it in the furnace closet. We have a great symbiotic relationship here, though, and I can’t speak for Matt (he’s not even here right now, he’s visiting his parents today), but I’m very happy with being here and living with him. Having him not be here last night was like missing part of myself, everything was just wrong.

I don’t have much to say, sorry this is so boring. Too tired to be hilarious.